This Jobs For Me!

I was too young to get a gig as a body bag-hauler at Jonestown after the Kook-Aid Incident, but word has just arrived of another great job opportunity. The vodka-meisters at Smirnoff have decided they need a professional Cocktail Consultant.

Me thinks this has promise.

According to a press release, the Smirnoff Cocktail Consultant will be “the definitive expert on all things vodka drinks-related.” Check. There is a salary and an expense budget of $100,000 to “identify the latest and greatest in the world of drinks for a one-year term.” This requires “travel to major cities.” I can do all that.

The position also requires that the successful candidate will research cocktail culture across the country and provide twice-yearly Smirnoff Cocktail Trend Reports.

OK, let's address this trend report thing immediately:

BAD TREND REPORT: “My data indicates, after weeks of survey analysis and demographic study, that the optimum candidate to sample Smirnoff and Chocolate Yoo-Hoo in the greater metropolitan area of Lincoln, Nebraska, is ... ”

GOOD TREND REPORT (filed on the back of a postcard featuring a hula babe):
“Bossman: Koster here. They have this cool thing down in the Keys. You're parasailing, right? Being pulled 500 feet over the ocean along the beach? And they've got these two chicks in thongs who parachute from a plane above you — and as they drift by you on their way down, you tilt your head back like a baby bird and Chick #1 pours a shot of icy Smirnoff Blue Label in your mouth and you hold it a moment till Chick #2 floats by and sluices a sweet mixture of ginger beer and fresh-squeezed lime juice. You swish it all around together and it's great. When you land, the babes are waiting on the beach to feed you a prawn cocktail marinated in Smirnoff and exotic pepper sauces.”

So that part works. Also, I think I'm sufficiently dynamic and innovate enough to –

WAIT!
Reading further in the press release, I see a quote from Mark Breene, vice president at Smirnoff, who says, “We're truly excited to locate a dynamic and innovative person to help us continue our tradition of being at the forefront of the cocktail revolution.”

I really hadn't seen that part when I wrote down that self-description. Honest.

Not only that, but when it comes to the “forefront of a cocktail revolution,” I'm Che Guevara and Nikolai Lenin rolled into one — with a liver that's been iron-plated like the Merrimac.

The truth is, though — and I can understand this — that I'm a graying Older Person. I can see where the Smirnoff Folks would want to hire as their consultant one of those attractive people whose resume progresses from Old Miss cheerleader to Hooters waitress to cast member of such shows as “Real World Austin,” then “MTV Road Rules,” then “Living With Ron Jeremy.”

Does it matter that said applicant will have been caught on film vomiting liquor dozens of times precisely because they can't hold their liquor?
Well, maybe.

So perhaps I'll just throw the hat into the ring and see what happens. In the meantime, I'll check Travelocity and start coordinating flight plans from San Francisco to San Diego, back to Chicago, New Orleans, Austin, Miami, Charleston ...

Damn. I'm thirsty already.
r.koster@theday.com
Rick Koster's column appears on theday.com every Wednesday.